365 Days of Change: War and Peace

365 Days of Change: War and Peace

DAY 10 - CONFLICT (August 30, 2012)

I'm up for a good fight between times of peace, love and harmony.  I'll claw and wrestle my way through mall lineups, whiteout storms in the mountains, and rush hour traffic, but when it comes to sparring (emotionally, psychologically AND physically!) with other people - I run for the cave long before others have had the chance to see which I direction I went.  By default, I am a "Conflict Avoider."  By choice, I am polishing skills I've already had all along as a "Conflict Innovator."  However, I'm not a dishrag who will tolerate anyone tossing me to the floor to be stomped on.  I detest hollering, irrational drama, and the expectation of one-way entitlement displayed by "Conflict Antagonists."  The biggest mistake anybody ever made was to push me too far for too long, and then it took two people to restrain me by each arm and a week to settle down; the childhood bully who harassed me emotionally for years before attempting to beat me up ended up knocked out with a serious concussion and bleeding all over the sidewalk.  He never bothered me again.  Some peace keepers like me who care for others and love to laugh possess little patience with raging bullies or respect for passive aggressive tactics.  If it persists, there's a point where I stop negotiating and either disappear (the usual strategy) or become a hit man (the last resort).  So what do all these definitions really mean?  And what's the best approach in dealing with conflict?  

According to Lee Raffel, M.S.W., and the author of I Hate Conflict: "Conflict permeates every nook and cranny of our lives.  We experience controversy with our loved ones, friends, relatives, and coworkers.  We are beset by wars that we do or do not want.  In government, industry, and politics, we see a mix of cooperation, honesty, trust and reciprocity, as well as arrogance, corruption, greed and retaliation.  Like it or not, we are living on a sorely conflicted planet."  I think the entire planet has already figured that one out, Lee.  And please update your blog site, I'd love to hear more from you, outside of your great book!

She goes on to describe Five Conflict Styles:

1.)  Conflict Avoiders would rather not argue with anyone about anything.

2.)  Conflict Fixers see conflict as an opportunity to get involved.

3.)  Conflict Goof-Ups never get it quite right.

4.)  Conflict Antagonists like to argue and win.

5.)  Conflict Innovators are prepared to address conflict in a responsible way.

I know people who fit into each of these categories, but I grew up with two Conflict Antagonists in the family - so if I'm not running, I've run out of cave space, and start setting a new world's record for: "biggest as*hole brought down singlehandedly by smallest person!"  It's rare to see me blow a main gasket, but I've been told by one of those family Antagonists that my eyes turn black and my words turn into the Grim Reaper's freshly sharpened scythe.  More than one bully has backed off at the warning point if they didn't know how to approach conflict with me constructively.

There's an effective middle ground in all of this, and it's the way of the Conflict Innovator.  Raffel adds: "Conflict Innovators acknowledge the importance of tact, discretion and diplomacy.  They treat others as equals, and each person in the discussion shares the leadership role.  Conflict Innovators recognize that first they must clean up their own act, and others must fix their conflicted selves, before mutual honesty, respect and compassion can be a reality."

In terms of route finding, taking the high road is the best route I've ever followed - over and over again.  I'll keep practicing Conflict Innovation.  It may not reduce the number of conflicts that come my way, but it reduces the resulting stress because I understand and enforce that nobody can abuse me without my permission.  Which conflict style are you?  War and Peace is here to stay.  How are you dealing with it now, and do you need to find a better way?

"Knowing when to fight is just as important as knowing how."  - Terry Goodkind